Hitting Teeth Maliciously Language

(I was at a recruitment company, filling in forms in the hope they would find me a job…)

Recruiter: It says here you’re good at hit ‘em all. That sounds violent.

Me: Uh…do you mean HTML?

Recruiter: Yes. Is that like Fight Club?

Me: Er, no, it’s code. It’s a programming language. It’s what you use to make websites.

Recruiter: I don’t think we want people involved in secret codes for Fight Clubs on the web.

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In Sirious Trouble

Me: OK, hold down the button and tell Siri to do anything.
Mom: Call the police! (laughs)
Siri: Calling 911.

(To this day Mom refuses to talk at all if she is in the same room as my iPhone, afraid it will get her in trouble)

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LookOut Express

Boss: Do you know anyone at Microsoft?

Me: Oh sure, Bill Gates and I play poker all the time. It’s how I won Rwanda.

Boss: Good, can you tell them I have a great idea to make their email program better.

Me: …Do I have to actually explain I don’t know Bill Gates personally?

Boss: Instead of the “Reply “ button they should call it the “Write back to them” button. It’s a much more better use of English and stuff.

Me: …Are you even listening?

Boss: Let me know when they make a new Outlook for me.

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The Email Fairy

Boss: Aw darn, I was going to reply to that email, but it was sent to me last month, and it will have evaporated.

Me: …evaporated?

Boss: Yeah, at the start of the month all old emails disappear. I guess they evaporate on the Internet.

Me: They go into last month’s archive folder…

Boss: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

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It’s “StopCallingMe123″

Phone caller: Hi, it’s me, I got a problem with our computers.

Me: Uh…sorry?

Phone caller: Do you remember what our passwords are?

Me: Wait. Who is this?

Phone caller: It’s Todd, your old boss…

Me: Why are you calling? I haven’t worked for you in over two years.

Todd: This is why I can’t remember my password.

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Bring out the GIMP

Dad: I can’t believe you wasted money buying Windows for your computer. You don’t need Windows. You can use Linux! It’s exactly the same and free.

Me: I need Windows for Photoshop.

Dad: But you can get GIMP for Linux. It can open Photoshop files.

Me: That’s kind of like saying a soap box derby is just like a Ferrari because it uses the same roads.

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Overclocking In None Simple Step

Dad: I heard you can ‘overclock’ a computer.

Me: I heard you can ‘rob’ a bank, too, but I wouldn’t recommend it either.

Dad: I want to ‘overclock’ my computer. Come and help me the next time you’re over.

(Two weeks later)

Me: So yeah, I totally just overclocked your computer.

Dad: Sweet. I’ll test it out!

(As I predicted, he just sits there at the desktop looking at how ‘fast’ the mouse moves around the screen now. I didn’t overclock a thing!)

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How To Get A Job The Easy Way

Distant Relative At A Family Gathering: So what do you do now?

Me: Well, I work in marketing and PR, mostly dealing with computer game companies…

Distant Relative At A Family Gathering: Computer games? Oh my son would love a job with you. He’s good with that. I’ll tell him he can start next week.

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Misinformation Monthly

Me: Oh there’s the problem. You couldn’t connect to the wireless router because the network adaptor driver wasn’t installed properly. Easy fix.

Dad: Was that because the firewall wasn’t set up to do graphics?

Me: …what?

Dad: You need to enable the firewall graphics card in a proxy.

Me: …do…do you even know what any of those words mean?

Dad: Yes I read computer magazines.

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Close Encounters Of The Strange Kind

Me: Ugh, I don’t know what they did but this Windows installation is…ugh. It’s probably better if we just reformat it, install Windows again and start over.

Dad: No. We can’t do that. I’ll lose my important stuff.

Me: What stuff? All your data is saved on the other hard drive, all you use is a web browser and a word processor and we can reinstall that easily…

Dad: No, I mean the picture of the alien on the desktop.

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